I never in my life felt like this before. I’m 42 now so maybe I’ve been lucky. My head is full. Full of doubt.
I’ve spent the last 5 days stopping myself from thinking, in order to avoid crying. Finally tonight I have privacy & time to cry, so I’m forcing myself to think.
I’ve made some pretty big mistakes since last July when I decided to leave my marriage and my home. On the day before yesterday, for the first time since then, I seriously wondered whether I’d made the right decision. I was never this miserable, ever.
Tonight, I’ve worked through a long list of reasons why I feel as I do. That helps a lot, I’m the type of person who finds comfort in cause & effect but I’m still very scared. I’ve been to a dark place tonight & shocked myself with my anger.
I’m nowhere near resolving my other doubts but I have sorted one of them out, that’s why I’m writing this.
I know for sure that I made the right decision last July. Logically if (1) I’m unhappy now, (2) my ex is unhappy now and (3) this past week my daughter has been unhappy, my brain is bound to float the idea that this is all wrong. That’s not right though.
I’m lonely, I’m hurt, I’m jealous and I’m more than a bit lost at the moment but none of that is related to missing my ex. I didn’t love him and I certainly don’t now.
I have no doubt about that.