I never in my life felt like this before. I’m 42 now so maybe I’ve been lucky. My head is full. Full of doubt.
I’ve spent the last 5 days stopping myself from thinking, in order to avoid crying. Finally tonight I have privacy & time to cry, so I’m forcing myself to think.
I’ve made some pretty big mistakes since last July when I decided to leave my marriage and my home. On the day before yesterday, for the first time since then, I seriously wondered whether I’d made the right decision. I was never this miserable, ever.
Tonight, I’ve worked through a long list of reasons why I feel as I do. That helps a lot, I’m the type of person who finds comfort in cause & effect but I’m still very scared. I’ve been to a dark place tonight & shocked myself with my anger.
I’m nowhere near resolving my other doubts but I have sorted one of them out, that’s why I’m writing this.
I know for sure that I made the right decision last July. Logically if (1) I’m unhappy now, (2) my ex is unhappy now and (3) this past week my daughter has been unhappy, my brain is bound to float the idea that this is all wrong. That’s not right though.
I’m lonely, I’m hurt, I’m jealous and I’m more than a bit lost at the moment but none of that is related to missing my ex. I didn’t love him and I certainly don’t now.
I have no doubt about that.
I awoke early this morning. I checked Twitter. My friend was awake too. I liked that. I tweeted and fell back to sleep.
I woke again later, sobbing and shouting. I’d had a Twitter nightmare.
I can’t recall what he had done but my friend had committed some crime against Twitter. A mutual friend & I were in a courtroom, watching the proceedings of his case. He wasn’t there. He didn’t have to attend. He was in his flat, watching via live video link.
He was found guilty of the crime. On the wall was an enormous flat screen monitor. It flashed up his Twitter home page. No-one in the courtroom spoke. Everyone stared at the screen. The images changed quickly, silently, flashing up ‘settings’, inputting passwords, bits of code… then, just before the screen read,
‘Sorry, that page doesn’t exist’,
I realised that they were deleting his account.
I saw him pacing around his flat, watching his monitor. I saw him scream but no noise was emitted. I screamed to the friend beside me.
“They can’t do that. It’ll kill him. You can’t reinstate a deleted account!”
“No, no you can’t”
I screamed and collapsed in tears.
I woke up crying & trying to shout.
I have very vivid dreams, I often find them more real that real life. I know exactly why I had the dream. I’m worried about losing the friends that I’ve made on Twitter.
I’ve lost one already, his account was deleted under duress but he did it himself. I miss him every day.
My closest friends are now some of the people who I’ve met through Twitter. I have only one ‘real life pre-Twitter’ friend on it, she has become closer to me, I believe, because of Twitter.
I use Twitter for support, friendship, entertainment and advice. I love it but I’m over reliant on it.
I’m very scared how easily people can disappear. I can’t bear the thought of losing those closest to me.
My response to this fear is to try & meet people and to get as many forms of contact established as possible, emails, mobiles, landlines, addresses, links. Then it will be easier to find them if they ever disappear from Twitter, if they’re deleted, if their page no longer exists.